5 mins on friendship

I’ve met the greatest number of new people so far this year than ever before.

It’s made me come to think of friendship differently than I have.

Not much else to this intro; some (relatively) concise thoughts below :)

1. Some friends are part of the story, and some get to hear all about it

Each year it seems more and more of the people I care about are farther and farther away (geographically).

Something I started doing when I was in high school was setting up recurring chats with some of my closest friends. I didn’t realize this was something not a lot of people did (until a lot of people told me so).

I’ve come to appreciate my faraway friends for how easy it is to pick up where we left off. It’s exciting getting to “catch up” with people you care about even if they might not be part of the stories you’re sharing because there’s an understood mutual curiosity.

There’s something really special about being eager to hear new lore from your friends and to know the feeling is reciprocated despite the distance and despite not being in the story.

On the flip side, some friends hear every mundane detail. Texts about where you went, who you saw, what made you laugh etc.

I’ve noticed that I don’t necessarily share these more instant updates with long-distance friends, and I think it’s because it’s just not one of the things that bonds us together.

You can be bonded to people via things like daily occurrences or more permanent non-place-based things.

I used to think the latter had more weight, but I think sharing mundane details about your life with someone can sometimes feed into the feeling of being known just as much.

It’s neat to notice the scope of conversations that bestow different friendships and to get to have a different scope with everybody.

Tickles your brain.

2. Getting comfortable not using “friend” as a filler attribute

Not everyone I meet is a “friend”, and I’ve had to get comfortable learning to use words like

classmate

friend of a friend

acquaintance

There’s a lot of literature out there that dictates what close friendship is. I think there ought to be more on defining friendship.

If we use “friend” to describe someone who might not be because it’s just the first word we think of or maybe even a word we’re hoping to get to use to refer to someone eventually, I feel it takes away from what it means to be a friend to you at present.

Using words carefully and sparingly adds more weight to them, and I think, is a simple way to amplify care and respect for those who deserve it most in your life (your friends).

3. Good friendship can feel boring

I used to think that friendship always had to feel exciting. That I should be wheezing like a seal from laughter or trying something new whenever we’re together.

While all of that is still really important and fun for building lasting memories, I also think boringness is a huge indicator for me that someone is the real deal.

I’ve often said that I think the closest friendship is when you can be your best most “on” version of your personality but also the most “off” and quiet.

Friends that gel with both sides won’t be surprised by it and that lack of reaction is calming.

Feeling known maybe isn’t supposed to feel exciting but unacclaimed.

Running errands together or other forms of parallel play have tended to bring me joy - just as sliding down icy canyons or screaming at concerts has.

4. Losing a friend can hurt more because you don’t expect that it might end

This is a paraphrased insight from a conversation I had with one of my friends that has stuck with me for the past few weeks.

Unlike anything non-platonic, you don’t anticipate the possibility that a friendship can go sideways or that it might become anything but better with time.

The idea of timeliness also reminds me a lot of this visual (redrawn) I saw a few months ago.

The magical period reminds me of appreciation. Sometimes it’s really hard to hold space for appreciation for an experience, especially if it’s hurtful. In the context of losing friends, I think it’s so important to remember what felt right at a different stage of your life and to honour the moments that were good.

Sometimes people change and so do your expectations; that doesn’t mean the two weren’t once aligned and incredibly conducive to your happiness.

Appreciation is an optimistic but honest way to remember past friendships, if not for the lessons they might have imparted, then for the version of you they made laugh or smile.

5. Grow together or grow apart

I’ll start with the opposite here.

There is comfort in knowing that those you may not interact or speak with anymore do not get access to the version of you post-them.

In the same way but more positively, it is exciting to give and have access to friends who are growing next to you.

Growing together means you get to be a cheerleader.

Getting to be a cheerleader is such a bubbly experience; we extend our own ability to be happy when we make it part of our power to feel it for others.

6. More love for good one-off encounters

Not everything good has to last.

One good coffee chat or random chance meeting doesn’t always have to turn into more.

I remember strangers fondly for short conversations in line for coffee or the one conversation we had that gave me a new perspective I hadn’t considered before (especially if as the result of a heated debate).

There is a warmth in one-off kind interactions; it makes me want to be the sort of person who can be that for others more often, and I think our lives would be more interesting if each tried to do that just a little more.

7. Friendship by choice and not need

Everyone is really competing with you.

If they add to what it’s like being in your own company, they’re a friend.

The most important word in that sentence is add.

If someone doesn’t need you in their life but wants you in it, that says a lot more than the contrary.

8. Communication vs. expectation

We all know people aren’t mindreaders and I’m a firm believer in the “if someone doesn’t tell you they have a problem with you, they don’t have a problem with you” type of transparency.

However, I do think some things are better left unsaid. For example, there’s a huge difference between having to tell someone how to be a friend to you vs. expecting a baseline level of friendship.

There comes a point where trying to explain differences in demonstrations of friendship isn’t helpful anymore and it’s better to find others who don’t need the explanation to begin with.

A huge part of being a 20-something (as far as I can tell given I’m only one year in) is finding your people. It’ll shift a ton, but I think bearing in mind the difference between what you must communicate and what you might reasonably expect is going to be necessary.

That’s all for now; catch ya in the next one ❤